Random mutterings, sighing and gasping, finger jabbing, brow dabbing and general bleatings about everyday bollocks. Brought to you by Angie Annetts, author of the highly-acclaimed short story collection, 'Tales From Around The Bend'. http://www.talesfrom.co.uk/

Monday, 6 September 2010

Poo, The Dam Busters And A Written Warning

This is my very first blog. I wasn't quite sure how to kick off, so I thought I'd show you a picture of my book.

It’s a very nice book. You’ll like it. If you’re my kind of person.

Let me enlighten.

When I was little I did a poo in the bathtub. After a while my mum came into the bathroom and caught me playing battleships with the logs. And told me off.

Since that day, a lot of people have told me off. Sometimes they told me that I ‘take things too far’.

Example: I once got a written warning for being drunk in my workplace*. That was a bad thing to do.

And because I was drunk, I had to go to the toilet and say ‘Bye-Bye’ to my lunch. And when I did this, my false tooth fell into the pan. That was a bad thing to happen.

Then I thought it would be a good idea to repeatedly run past reception impersonating an airplane. And to ‘dah-dah dah dah dah-dah dah’ to the Dam Busters theme at the same time. That was a fun thing to do.

But after a while, I had engine failure and crash-landed into a wall and slumped to the canvas. This was very funny and I guffawed loudly and lengthily. Such japes.

They sent me home in a taxi.

The next day I was welcomed into work like the returning hero. So I gave my colleagues a royal wave.

But soon after, I got invited into the big office. A serious director with a crumpled frown told me off. He told me I had ‘gone too far’. And that what I had done was a ‘very bad thing’.

He also let me know that a client had been in reception, when I’d been flying by. And moreover, when I crash-landed. The client thought this was a very bad thing. And had said so.

The serious director gave me an envelope. The envelope contained my written warning.

“Why do you do it?” he asked me as I was on my way out.

“Like I know,” I replied through my hangover. “It just had to be done.”

I managed to get my sorry ass out of that company before they could fire me. Which was a very good thing to do.

They just weren’t my kind of people.

These days I don’t get told off so much. Perhaps my engine is beginning to splutter a bit.

Although (doubtless) the spirit will always be there.

So if you’re the kind of person who’s had a few crash landings in your time, rattled a few cages and taken the occasional thing ‘too far’, then maybe you’re my kind of person. And maybe you'll like my book.

You'll find it on http://www.talesfrom.co.uk/

And maybe you'll like to follow my blog. After all, it's bound to be pants.

*Brunnings Advertising circa 1986