Random mutterings, sighing and gasping, finger jabbing, brow dabbing and general bleatings about everyday bollocks. Brought to you by Angie Annetts, author of the highly-acclaimed short story collection, 'Tales From Around The Bend'. http://www.talesfrom.co.uk/

Friday, 12 August 2011

Riots, Battenburg and Dildos

Did I, or did I not, give you the nod about London being a right little shit when he’s drunk? Not only that, but he’s been egging on his mates, Manchester and Birmingham and a whole load of other cronies to behave like nasty pieces of work as well. Look at what we’ve had this week, rioting, arson, looting. And worse than that, London’s trying to tell me that it’s all my fault. Look, he’s written to me again.

I don't know. I think he's depressed. I mean you don't self-harm if everything in the garden is rosy.
It can't just be the booze. I'd say this is a classic cry for help.

Dear, oh dear. Where did it all go wrong with London?

Years ago, cherub-faced children would use their small, light-fingered hands to 'pick a pocket or two'
and rob fancy silk handkerchiefs, watches and the suchlike...

Whilst these days, it appears they want to do something markedly different with them…

 Dear oh dear. It appears the reports are true: they are starting very young these days.
Trying shoving that porky mitt into a gentleman's coat pocket and his legs'll be buckling before you can say 'Bullseye'.

 And they're so confident too. Just look at this young chap ordering his pint with an element
of bullish authority.

When I was a kid, we didn’t behave like today’s lot. No, Siree.

A mere matter of seconds after this photo  was taken, little Trudie rammed her head
through the cake shop window and had it away with 7 gingerbread men,
10 cupcakes and a hefty slab of battenburg...

Okay, okay - maybe I have got a selective memory. Maybe we did get into mischief, bunk off of school occasionally, nick a few sweets from Woolies and spark up the odd menthol cigarette or two.

Whereas nowadays, some kids just cut to the chase and spark up the odd building or two.

And they just seem so casual about it. Look at this young gentleman: fearless of
being caught, he even takes time out from his 'activities' to adopt a pose to show
off his newly acquired outfit in its 'best light'.

(I would liked to have posted the several photos I have of him 'Vogueing', but am
fearful that he may rock up in these parrrts and relieve me of my skant few possessions
before using my vodka bottle collection for Molotov cocktails...).

And we weren’t complete shitbags; looting the business of some poor sod who just wants to make a better life for himself (or herself) and his (or her) family.

Thankfully, not all the looters were the brightest trainers in the sports shop, as this misguided bunch
appear to be 'steaming' a public convenience. Whilst no mobiles phones were on offer in there,
I did fear (somewhat) for the white chap's girlfriend, who only minutes earlier went in there for a
gruesome dump. I later discovered, that following a swift(and brutal) wipe of her arse, and managing
to climb through the trap window with a modicum of urgency, she safely got away. 

And there were others who didn’t quite get the hang of it…

Fawning over a strappy pair of 'Fuck-Me Pumps', this would-be looter is quick to realise that she just can't bring
herself to do it. However, mindful of getting some value from her 'Round Robin' bus ticket, she secures a dildo
to the shop window and breathlessly knocks one out.

So where does all this leave things between me and London? Well, London needs to get his house in order, that much is for certain. But he’s going need help, professional help. And maybe, when he’s not all over the place, and drinking too much and being a bit of shit, maybe, just maybe (and perhaps with a little mediation) we’ll be able to have some form of relationship between us.

I’m sorry London got the arse because I didn’t go ‘all the way’ with him last weekend. Maybe, that was a wrong call. But as our politicians say, ‘it’s a lesson learnt’, (except I don’t say it quite so smugly).

And on a personal level, was it worth going to Twickenham? Was it, fuck....

Oh dear. How sad. Never mind.
....sing Lofty...

And I’m off to Cardiff tomorrow for the return match. There’s not been a squeak from Cardiff this last week. He’s been as good as gold.

Mind you, if the result goes the wrong way for him……

Pray for me, children...

Like every other decent human being, I am saddened and disgusted at the appalling events that have unfolded in England this past week. My heart goes out to those who have so needlessly lost loved ones or had their whole world turned upside down by the mindless activity of a moronic minority. We are better than this. We will get better.
My blog does not aim to offend, merely to reflect.
Be safe,
Angie x


  1. A blinding analysis on the London "tantrum". Break out the cattle prods & rubber bullets & he'll realise the peelers can harm him more & for longer than he can self harm...

  2. I thought we were the only one that burned down our own shit.

    Well hell... I guess it's in the blood.

    Be safe ole Mother England.

  3. Hey, Hey!! Greetings America! How the devil are you? Or more to the point, how's it hanging?


Feeling a little heady and reckless? Then limp over to your keyboard and leave me a comment...